Today I felt her closer then ever...

When my grandma got sick back in July it was like getting sucker punched.. Amidst the craziness that was going on in my life this was just one more thing to add to the list. At first I wasn't to concerned she had been in the hospital before and always came out on top. She was quite the fighter. She was admitted for back pain and we later found out she had a fractured vertebrae and would need physical therapy but while at the hospital doctors discovered a heart problem. After a few weeks things weren't looking to good she ended up having a heart attack and that was enough for me to head down to Miami. When I saw her she was in ICU but was stable. She was alert and talking and I fed her every chance I got. I left a few days later. Little did I know this would be the last time I would speak to her.
Weeks went by and things went from bad to worse. My Mami was so much more then just a grandma to me. She was a pioneer, a role model, a mother and an inspiration to me. I remember that last week she had stopped eating completely and needed a feeding tube to be put in. It was suppose to be put in on Tuesday September 11th my birthday. By this time all I knew was that she was unconscious but didn't hear anything till about 10pm that night when my cousin called and told me that while they were doing the procedure she had stopped breathing and that I should probably head down to Miami. So the next morning I went to Miami and couldn't believe my eyes. This wasn't the same person I had seen a few weeks earlier. Needless to say that awhile the rest of my family was holding on to any hope the doctors and nurses gave I knew it was her time. I knew my little old fighting lady wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer. I left the next due to work but I also selfishly didn't want to be there when it happened.
The honest truth is that I was afraid of my reaction to loosing her. I couldn't bear to be there and witness all the pain and hurt. So on Saturday September 15th my grandmother passed away and my heart was shattered. I'm so grateful for the people that were there to comfort me. I believed I handled it a lot better then what some people expected. There were some moments during her funeral that were extremely tough. 1. Seeing her in the coffin 2. When they closed the coffin as we headed to the cemetery 3. Leaving the cemetery.. I left back to Lake Mary I still had 10 days before I moved back to Miami.
When I moved back to Miami I was longing to visit her because I felt such guilt. It may not make a lot of sense to people but when she was buried all I could think of was how alone she would feel and possibly scared, all I wanted was to keep her company. I want just share a few of the tender mercies The Lord provided for me that day. The first thing that happened was that I found my best friends dads grave almost next to my grandma. It just comforted to know someone I knew was close to her and I just felt like he would watch over her. Very silly I know and the second thing was that I had my scriptures with me but didn't know what I wanted to read so I said a silent prayer asking for guidance and opened my scriptures to Alma 34:32 for behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors. I continued reading until I finished the chapter. I was so grateful to have had this wonderful lady in my life for 26 years. And the third tender mercy came the following day in the morning General Conference session when Elder Shayne Bowen spoke about lost loved ones. This was what caused me to cry

Remember as you attended the funeral of your loved one the feelings in your heart as you drove away from the cemetery and looked back to see that solitary casket—wondering if your heart would break.

I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said:

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

“Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.”⁵

I often speak to my grandmother and visit her as much as I possibly can. I can honestly say I feel her when she knows I need it the most. Especially this first month I've been back. Although I cannot physically see or feel or hear her I just close my eyes and there she is. It's comforting to know that because of Heavenly Father her and I will embrace once again and I look forward to that day. In the meantime I will continue speaking to her and closing my eyes to see her. I am so grateful for memories that no one can take away or ruin.
"God gave us memories, that we might have June roses in the December of our lives"
President Thomas S. Monson

1 Month

It has been one month since I moved back to Miami from Lake Mary and its been Uneventful. I moved away with my boyfriend and came back alone which was an emotional roller coaster. We were so use to being around each other and seeing each other everyday that it made those first few days even harder. Now him and I have come a very long way and I believe we have overcome a lot of things that not many people would be able to withstand. I'm so proud of us it's been really tough for awhile but I can honestly say we've prevailed. We have grown and have become stronger and wiser. Him and I instantly became best friends when we met and wanted to at least keep that despite what other people would say.

Since moving our relationship has improved immensely and that makes me very happy because all the hard work is paying off. Whether him and I ever get back together is a mystery thus far. I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with that but at the end of the day it is my life and my decision and despite everything that's happened between us I don't regret for one moment moving away with him. I do believe we thought it would be easier which was naive of us. Many lessons have been learned and applied. I'm no relationship expert but I do know this I know that because someone makes a mistake doesn't mean they can't be forgiven. I also know that we are all human and are entitled to not be perfect. My greatest wish is that other people mostly family could understand that and not judge us based on stupid choices we made but rather who we really are. Everyone has skeletons in their closet some of us are just more open about our lives.

I truly believe people deserve a second chance we all have dumb moments. I believe that someone that truly loves and cares about you won't turn their back and walk away now Im not saying to dismiss the wrong doing but work together because it is so hard to come across good people in this crazy chaotic world. So if anyone in my family reads this know that I am beyond grateful for the love and support that has been shown and given to me. But also know that I will not apologize for doing what makes me happy and that's what life is about. doing what truly makes you happy whether that's being with someone that not everyone agrees with or moving away or getting tattoos. All I want for my loved ones is there happiness and I would hope that's what they want for me.

"To err is human, to forgive, divine."- Alexander Pope
"We'll, we all make mistakes, dear, so just put them behind you. We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us." - L.M Montgomery.