Darkness

For the first time I will talk about something very personal that not a lot of people know about not even my family. I believe that my entire life I have suffered from anxiety. At different points in my life it has been really bad. For example when I was starting preschool I had such separation anxiety that right before getting to school I would puke almost everyday. It got to the point that my parents would bribe me with different things in hopes that it would stop. with time the puking subsided. Things were better for awhile then when I was 22 I felt so stressed and so much anxiety that I would constantly have chest pain and ended up having shingles. Lately as of the last six months my anxiety sky rocketed being the worst it has ever been. It was so bad I finally got the guts to talk to my doctor and was put on medication for it. Like all things some days are good and others are terrible. The recent events of my life haven't made it any easier either. I kept this a secret because honestly I was embarassed and unless you suffer from this you won't be able to understand. The feeling you get is so unexplanable. The best way to put it is almost like you feel you're insides are about to explode like you have absolutely no control over what's going on inside of you not just physically but emotionally too. It's a feeling that radiates your body.

The past six months have been quite dark for me. I almost feel like a big part of me gave up.theres only one person that knew about my anxiety and how I started taking medication, a few weeks after I found out that they had decided that it would be ok to talk to complete strangers about my issue. To this day I don't understand why anyone do that. I was so hurt I felt like if I really wanted the world to know I would've posted it on Facebook. I have felt like I was sucker punched for no reason. I know that a lot of the choices I have made many people have been against but I will not apologize for that I do what I feel is the right thing for me.

I have experienced a lot of sadness, anger, hurt, betrayal, and confusion lately. Choices that would
turn my life upside down were being made and I had no say in it I wasn't even being taken into consideration. I felt like I was this object that was expected to not feel or say anything. A lot of times I felt less then human I felt worthless and nobody should ever be made to feel that way. I have these 3 wonderful women (Dorie,Dawn,Liz) that I am honored to call friends that were my shoulder to cry on my hope when I thought there was none. whether they know it or not they have guided me out of this
darkness. They have helped me see the light.

I am still on medication not as much as before I am trying to slowly ween myself off of it. My goal is to be completely off before the year ends. The good days keep getting better and the bad ones are thankfully less frequent. I guess my goal was to let people know that anxiety is very much real and it sucks and if you don't get it or understand it that's ok but just know that for people like me it is so personal and can be quite shameful and while we look ok on the outside a lot of times we feel like we are dying on the inside. I am so grateful for the wonderful people The Lord placed in my path thanks to them I have been able to overcome more then I could've imagined.

 I dream of a better tomorrow...where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.