Today I felt her closer then ever...

When my grandma got sick back in July it was like getting sucker punched.. Amidst the craziness that was going on in my life this was just one more thing to add to the list. At first I wasn't to concerned she had been in the hospital before and always came out on top. She was quite the fighter. She was admitted for back pain and we later found out she had a fractured vertebrae and would need physical therapy but while at the hospital doctors discovered a heart problem. After a few weeks things weren't looking to good she ended up having a heart attack and that was enough for me to head down to Miami. When I saw her she was in ICU but was stable. She was alert and talking and I fed her every chance I got. I left a few days later. Little did I know this would be the last time I would speak to her.
Weeks went by and things went from bad to worse. My Mami was so much more then just a grandma to me. She was a pioneer, a role model, a mother and an inspiration to me. I remember that last week she had stopped eating completely and needed a feeding tube to be put in. It was suppose to be put in on Tuesday September 11th my birthday. By this time all I knew was that she was unconscious but didn't hear anything till about 10pm that night when my cousin called and told me that while they were doing the procedure she had stopped breathing and that I should probably head down to Miami. So the next morning I went to Miami and couldn't believe my eyes. This wasn't the same person I had seen a few weeks earlier. Needless to say that awhile the rest of my family was holding on to any hope the doctors and nurses gave I knew it was her time. I knew my little old fighting lady wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer. I left the next due to work but I also selfishly didn't want to be there when it happened.
The honest truth is that I was afraid of my reaction to loosing her. I couldn't bear to be there and witness all the pain and hurt. So on Saturday September 15th my grandmother passed away and my heart was shattered. I'm so grateful for the people that were there to comfort me. I believed I handled it a lot better then what some people expected. There were some moments during her funeral that were extremely tough. 1. Seeing her in the coffin 2. When they closed the coffin as we headed to the cemetery 3. Leaving the cemetery.. I left back to Lake Mary I still had 10 days before I moved back to Miami.
When I moved back to Miami I was longing to visit her because I felt such guilt. It may not make a lot of sense to people but when she was buried all I could think of was how alone she would feel and possibly scared, all I wanted was to keep her company. I want just share a few of the tender mercies The Lord provided for me that day. The first thing that happened was that I found my best friends dads grave almost next to my grandma. It just comforted to know someone I knew was close to her and I just felt like he would watch over her. Very silly I know and the second thing was that I had my scriptures with me but didn't know what I wanted to read so I said a silent prayer asking for guidance and opened my scriptures to Alma 34:32 for behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors. I continued reading until I finished the chapter. I was so grateful to have had this wonderful lady in my life for 26 years. And the third tender mercy came the following day in the morning General Conference session when Elder Shayne Bowen spoke about lost loved ones. This was what caused me to cry

Remember as you attended the funeral of your loved one the feelings in your heart as you drove away from the cemetery and looked back to see that solitary casket—wondering if your heart would break.

I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said:

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

“Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.”⁵

I often speak to my grandmother and visit her as much as I possibly can. I can honestly say I feel her when she knows I need it the most. Especially this first month I've been back. Although I cannot physically see or feel or hear her I just close my eyes and there she is. It's comforting to know that because of Heavenly Father her and I will embrace once again and I look forward to that day. In the meantime I will continue speaking to her and closing my eyes to see her. I am so grateful for memories that no one can take away or ruin.
"God gave us memories, that we might have June roses in the December of our lives"
President Thomas S. Monson

1 Month

It has been one month since I moved back to Miami from Lake Mary and its been Uneventful. I moved away with my boyfriend and came back alone which was an emotional roller coaster. We were so use to being around each other and seeing each other everyday that it made those first few days even harder. Now him and I have come a very long way and I believe we have overcome a lot of things that not many people would be able to withstand. I'm so proud of us it's been really tough for awhile but I can honestly say we've prevailed. We have grown and have become stronger and wiser. Him and I instantly became best friends when we met and wanted to at least keep that despite what other people would say.

Since moving our relationship has improved immensely and that makes me very happy because all the hard work is paying off. Whether him and I ever get back together is a mystery thus far. I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with that but at the end of the day it is my life and my decision and despite everything that's happened between us I don't regret for one moment moving away with him. I do believe we thought it would be easier which was naive of us. Many lessons have been learned and applied. I'm no relationship expert but I do know this I know that because someone makes a mistake doesn't mean they can't be forgiven. I also know that we are all human and are entitled to not be perfect. My greatest wish is that other people mostly family could understand that and not judge us based on stupid choices we made but rather who we really are. Everyone has skeletons in their closet some of us are just more open about our lives.

I truly believe people deserve a second chance we all have dumb moments. I believe that someone that truly loves and cares about you won't turn their back and walk away now Im not saying to dismiss the wrong doing but work together because it is so hard to come across good people in this crazy chaotic world. So if anyone in my family reads this know that I am beyond grateful for the love and support that has been shown and given to me. But also know that I will not apologize for doing what makes me happy and that's what life is about. doing what truly makes you happy whether that's being with someone that not everyone agrees with or moving away or getting tattoos. All I want for my loved ones is there happiness and I would hope that's what they want for me.

"To err is human, to forgive, divine."- Alexander Pope
"We'll, we all make mistakes, dear, so just put them behind you. We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us." - L.M Montgomery.

Darkness

For the first time I will talk about something very personal that not a lot of people know about not even my family. I believe that my entire life I have suffered from anxiety. At different points in my life it has been really bad. For example when I was starting preschool I had such separation anxiety that right before getting to school I would puke almost everyday. It got to the point that my parents would bribe me with different things in hopes that it would stop. with time the puking subsided. Things were better for awhile then when I was 22 I felt so stressed and so much anxiety that I would constantly have chest pain and ended up having shingles. Lately as of the last six months my anxiety sky rocketed being the worst it has ever been. It was so bad I finally got the guts to talk to my doctor and was put on medication for it. Like all things some days are good and others are terrible. The recent events of my life haven't made it any easier either. I kept this a secret because honestly I was embarassed and unless you suffer from this you won't be able to understand. The feeling you get is so unexplanable. The best way to put it is almost like you feel you're insides are about to explode like you have absolutely no control over what's going on inside of you not just physically but emotionally too. It's a feeling that radiates your body.

The past six months have been quite dark for me. I almost feel like a big part of me gave up.theres only one person that knew about my anxiety and how I started taking medication, a few weeks after I found out that they had decided that it would be ok to talk to complete strangers about my issue. To this day I don't understand why anyone do that. I was so hurt I felt like if I really wanted the world to know I would've posted it on Facebook. I have felt like I was sucker punched for no reason. I know that a lot of the choices I have made many people have been against but I will not apologize for that I do what I feel is the right thing for me.

I have experienced a lot of sadness, anger, hurt, betrayal, and confusion lately. Choices that would
turn my life upside down were being made and I had no say in it I wasn't even being taken into consideration. I felt like I was this object that was expected to not feel or say anything. A lot of times I felt less then human I felt worthless and nobody should ever be made to feel that way. I have these 3 wonderful women (Dorie,Dawn,Liz) that I am honored to call friends that were my shoulder to cry on my hope when I thought there was none. whether they know it or not they have guided me out of this
darkness. They have helped me see the light.

I am still on medication not as much as before I am trying to slowly ween myself off of it. My goal is to be completely off before the year ends. The good days keep getting better and the bad ones are thankfully less frequent. I guess my goal was to let people know that anxiety is very much real and it sucks and if you don't get it or understand it that's ok but just know that for people like me it is so personal and can be quite shameful and while we look ok on the outside a lot of times we feel like we are dying on the inside. I am so grateful for the wonderful people The Lord placed in my path thanks to them I have been able to overcome more then I could've imagined.

 I dream of a better tomorrow...where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned. 

Life

"I may not have gone where i intended to go, but i think i have ended up where i need to be"..Douglas Adams

life is sometimes happy, easy, wonderful, beautiful, difficult,stressful, painful but at the end of the day it happens to all of us.

so much has happened since my last post. I have experienced many emotion sadness, anger, frustrations and mostly pain. For the past month i have done and said a lot of things i am not proud of and would like to just forget them all. But those memories of myself haunt me on a daily basis. i became this ugly person that i didnt and dont like.

Sometimes people come into our lives that do damage. Im tired of being angry and disliking these people. Im tired of putting on a smile because i have to. its time to put the past behind and not relive it on a daily basis. Its time to learn to forgive not only the people that i feel have done harm and caused so much pain but also myself. 

So to you Karla M. i FORGIVE YOU for how bad you've hurt me. We have never met and thats probably best but i am sure you are a wonderful person. I wish you all the best in this world. i hope you are able to achieve all your goals and i hope you can become the person you hope to be. And to you Stephen M. THANK YOU for being an inspiration to not only your family and friends but also to someone that never had the privileged and honor to meet you. For being an inspiration and glimmer of hope to me. For being wise beyond your years and for having so much faith in the lord. faith that even I myself seemed to have lost.

Its amazing how someones legacy can change your life and put things into perspective. People are not perfect and they make mistakes all the time but it is up to us to forgive.  i cant believe it took a person that is no longer physically here to knock some sense into me. Despite all the  obstacles Ive had to overcome and continue to overcome LIFE  is pretty AAHHMAZING and i am so grateful to know the people i know and to have them in my life.

“And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die” (John 11:25–26).

346

It has now been 346 days that i have neglected this blog. So sad in almost the last year i have only written 4 posts. Oh this blog world is tough to keep up with or maybe I'm just lazy and making up excuses. I'm gonna go with the second one. I think in some weird way it scares to think  who might read what i write and how much i am willing to write.

So the last 346 days have been quite interesting to say the least. Nelson and i moved to another apartment which we absolutely love and now have 2 sons.. We have totally lucked out with DA BOYS they are so sweet and house trained. Cant go wrong with house trained. Another addition to my family is Angel John which i have yet to meet.. shame on me..

Lake Mary has become my home. People always say home is where the heart is and my heart is definitely with DA BOYS and Nelson which scares me sometimes but it was a risk i was willing to take. Don't get me wrong it has not been an easy journey its been quite difficult to be honest. So very difficult my entire life has changed in two years and now i am in a place i never thought i would be. People do dumb things for love right. It always felt right to me to move away with Nelson despite it being taboo for just about everyone i knew. I dont regret it everything is a learning experience and a life lesson. It is not simple nor easy but i am confident everything will work itself out.

June Babies

 June is full of Birthdays. So this post is a tribute to all my JUNE BABIES. We will begin with my first baby Pami's.  She just turned 10... WOW now thats a huge accomplishment for a kiddo if you ask me. They are what is now considered a tween. Pamela is so funny and spunky and i just love her to bits and pieces. She's my negrita and has grown so much. I can still remember the day she was born. She was past her due date and well it was a bit scary for awhile. She had an infection in her blood and was sent to NICU right away and was in the hospital for about two weeks. I always knew she'd make it out fine. I am so grateful everything turned out great with her i couldnt imagine my life without her. I love you my Pami's..

 

Next up is my silly monkey Arianni poo... She turned 6 and is going to 1st grade. ugh i remember when she started pre k. i would pick her up every friday and i would always end up buying her a happy meal. she would later brag to her older sisters and they were not pleased. she was born the same week the Batman movie came out. Arianna is by far the silliest of the girls. I took her and Pami's to a movie and ice cream this weekend. it was  very entertaining she has quite the personality. 

 

My last june baby is Kim. she turned 23.. Kim and i have always been close we grew up more like sisters instead of cousins. She is def one of my best friends and i am so lucky to have her in my life. When we were young we would put all our barbies together and build homes for them Kristin her younger sis would always get jealous. i am so happy that we now live closer and that i can always go to her if something is wrong. 

 

So to all my June Babies I love you guys more than anything and words cannot begin to describe how grateful and blessed i am and how complete you make my life.

We made it...

So we have made it to our 1 year anniversary.. Crazy it seems like it has been longer. We've been through a lot of ups and downs and it definitely has not been easy. Our relationship has been put through a lot of obstacles and i am happy to say that we have been able to overcome them some not so easily. Nelson definitely puts a smile on my face and accepts me for who i am. He accepts me at my silliest, craziest,saddest,maddest, happiest and i am so grateful for that. I dont think i will be able to find someone that will make dumb sounds with me or watch reality shows with me.

So Nelson and i always speak about our childhoods and how different they were. He always tells me how they never had a lot of things and he grew up humble as i did too but i was fortunate enough to enjoy things more. He would often tell me about having hand me downs and he was fine with it. So for our anniversary i decided to surprise him and get him something that he really wanted.

 

 He was very happy and excited to see his present. he got a PS3. The next day we packed our things and headed over to Daytona beach. Nelson bought some sky lanterns for us to release on the beach . It was pretty much awesome and a lot more difficult then people think. it was fun and i cant complain we had a pretty good weekend together. Im very excited for us and cant wait to see what the future holds for us.

 

P.S For this day to be complete the heat must win.... crossing fingers